I arrived to visit with mom just before 10am this Sunday morning. She was laying in bed not asleep but a bit down.
She started talking to me about her husband leaving her alone most of the time. She wasn’t upset but she was thinking about what is going on with her situation.
She asked me, “Why am I here?” I paused, looked her in the eyes and told her, “Because it’s no fun to be alone and there is always somebody here so you can be with someone if you want to”. Mom said, “Yes, there are always people around that’s good. And they are real nice here. I don’t like to be alone.”
She contemplated that for a bit and then told me it was real nice to have me come to visit her. She smiled and then closed her eyes. She seems a bit different today, not really tired but different some how. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then told her that I had a dress that I am making and it is sitting out in the car. I told her that I was going to go to Joann’s to see if I could find some buttons to match. I went out to the car to get the dress and she critiqued it for me. She liked the trim that I had pinned to it and said that some heart buttons would look real cute, but she didn’t feel like going with me to Joann’s to find them.
She said, besides they probably won’t let me out of here. I told her she could go with me any time she wants. We could have a girls day out. She smiled and liked that idea but still did not want to go any where.
I did get her up and into the activity room where one of the staff was giving manicures. Mom was next, so she choose a pretty polish and had her nails done.
We talked some more about the little dress and a few people agreed with mom on the trim and the buttons that should go on it. After mom’s nails were finished she sat in the chair for a minute and an odd look came over her face and she said she was suddenly dizzy. The dizzy seemed to get a little better but did not go away after about 3 minutes and she closed her eyes and said she wanted to sleep. I told her if she wanted to sleep that was ok. I took her to her room to let her sleep on her bed.
I tucked her under her afghan with her little black and white stuffed dog. She liked that and said she was comfy. I sat with my arm around her and holding her hand for about 20 minutes. We chatted a little bit from time to time and then she went to sleep with a smile on her face. I gave her a kiss and she whispered I Love you, I whispered, I love you and I will come back and see you later. She said ok, and I left.
She looked so helpless but satisfied and happy when I left her. I do believe that she is becoming more comfortable and relaxed with where she is living. She talks about how people there help her and how much she appreciates it. I feel like she has turned a corner in her comfort level and is liking the fact that someone is taking care of her and her needs for the first time of her life. She is relaxing in to it and knowing that it is OK for someone to take care of her.
I am glad. I have felt for some time that she just wants to be able to say some personal things. I feel some anxiety lifting from me because I think mom finally feels that it is ok to need someone to take care of her and to just let that care happen….and be ok with it.
Mom has often talked about taking care of the 9 children and how busy her life has always been and how when you do things you do it just because it needs to be done. She has never had the luxury of people doing things for her.
She had her hair done this week and her nails done. She is splurging on luxuries that she never afforded for herself because she never felt the need to give to herself. I do really feel that now she knows it’s ok to be on the receiving end rather than the giving end. It brings tears to my eyes.